What I Need
by Ana Kudou
Summary: Complete::The completion of the story begun in Right Kind of Wrong, Gunning Down Romance, and In Too Deep
1. Default Chapter

Title: What I Need Author: Ana Kudou Rating: NC17 for later chapters Disclaimer: Not mine! Mwahaha!  
  
What I Need 1/?  
  
***  
  
It's been a little under a year since Harry and I had our all too brief fling. The school year ended, the summer dragged by, and I found myself wishing that the students would return. Don't ask me why, I generally find them annoying as a whole. But I can't help wanting to see him again. It's been a year. I shouldn't still want him so much, should I?  
  
I shake my head, trying to concentrate on the potion I'm currently working on. This next year is already promising to be hell, since Dumbledore hired Sirius Black as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Remus Lupin came with him; no surprise there. I swear those two have been attached at the hip since Black was pardoned. I've been hiding out in my dungeons since the day he arrived. I have no intention of talking to him if I can avoid it. He seems utterly furious with me for some reason.  
  
My stomach makes a loud growling noise, and I glower at it. I suppose I should risk running into him and try to get a little food. I make my way to the Great Hall without incident and pull up a chair at the end of the staff table. As soon as I sit down, I lose my appetite. With a soft sigh, I try to eat anyway. It's been like this all summer. Nothing I do seems to satisfy me anymore. I can't even work without losing my concentration. As I sit there, picking at my food, a shadow falls over me. Fearing the worst, I glance up, and am quite relieved to see Dumbledore.  
  
"Not hungry, Severus?" He asks gently.  
  
"Not really," I say. No, I'm not hungry. I haven't been. I must look like hell, I think wryly. Not sleeping, not eating. It's a wonder I haven't faded away into nothing.  
  
He sits down beside me, giving me a worried look. "You haven't been yourself lately. You've gotten thinner, and I doubt you're sleeping. What's wrong?"  
  
I shake my head, not wanting to get into it. How would I explain that I miss a student I should never have been involved with anyway to my boss? It'd cost me my job.  
  
He sighs. "I don't believe you, but I see that you're not going to tell me."  
  
I nod and he leaves me to my thoughts. Suddenly I don't want to be there, up in the light and warmth of the Great Hall. Gathering my robes around me, I stand, making my way back down to the cool quietness of my dungeons. I miss him, I admit. I miss Harry. I keep waiting for the ache to go away, but it never does. So many little things remind me of him, though I try not to think about it.  
  
As I try to go back to work, I begin to get lost in the intricacies of what I'm doing. So the knock at my door startles me way out of proportion and I stifle a squeak. That would be highly undignified.  
  
"What?" I snap.  
  
Dumbledore opens the door with a rather upset looking Sirius behind him. The headmaster smiles at both of us. "I think it's time you two cleared up whatever's between you. And maybe, Severus, he can help with whatever is bothering you."  
  
I doubt that, I think to myself, but I mutter and follow Dumbledore as he leads the two of us to a little used room.  
  
"Your wands please," he says to us.  
  
Sighing I hand over my wand, noticing Black doing the same. The headmaster gives us both a sweet smile and promptly locks us in the room. "I'll be back in a few hours."  
  
I turn, scowling at my unwanted room mate. He's looking at me with an expression of anger and distaste.  
  
"Well this is just great," he growls.  
  
"You think I'm happy about this?" I stalk over to a couch and throw myself into a corner, sulking.  
  
He looks at me with narrowed eyes. "If he hadn't taken our wands away, I would pay you back for what you did to Harry."  
  
I blink, that catching me by surprise. I hadn't realized that Harry had told him about us. "What would you know about it?" I snarl, feeling the ache come back tenfold.  
  
"He's my godson, you slimy git! Of course he told me!" He paces in front of me, anger radiating off of him. "You used him, then dropped him. Didn't you think at all?" He gives me a look of pure disgust. "I thought you were a little better than this. Looks like I was wrong."  
  
I scowl at him. "I still hold that you know nothing about the situation," I bite out, really wishing I could just turn him into a frog or something. I'm running short of frog livers.  
  
"No? Try this. You slept with him. You, God knows how, got him to fall in love with you, then broke his heart and hurt him badly. How's that?" He stops pacing to glare at me.  
  
I feel my scowl deepening, though part of what he said surprised me. I knew that Harry had thought he was in love with me, but I chalked it up to hormones and infatuation. If Black thinks that he really was.I stop that train of thought, not wanting to go down that path. His feelings weren't an issue anymore. He'd probably already found someone new, someone better. Abruptly my anger at my current situation drains away, replaced by the ache and depression I've been in all summer. A wave of loneliness and exhaustion sweeps over at me, and at that point, I don't care that this is Sirius Black I'm locked in a room with. Nothing matters anymore.  
  
"Would you rather I had kept him?" I ask wearily, looking down at my hands. "Kept him chained to me? He's young, wonderful.he deserves better than I can give him." I fold my hands neatly, slumping against the couch.  
  
"Are you saying you hurt him on purpose?" I can't see his expression, but there's a dangerous tone to his voice.  
  
"Yes," I say simply.  
  
I wasn't expecting the punch to my jaw. It hurts like hell, but I can't find the energy to care. I rub at the sore spot gently, sighing softly. I realized after I hurt him, after I let him go, that I needed him far more than I wanted to think. And instead of dissipating over time, the feelings of need and want just grew stronger. It's been almost a year, and I still miss him, still lay in bed thinking of him and wishing he were there in my arms. As I bring my attention back to the current situation, I realize that Sirius is standing near me, apparently waiting for me to react. I look up at him, all masks gone at this point, my exhaustion and loneliness showing clearly on my face.  
  
He looks at me for a long moment, the expression on his face unreadable. Finally he frowns a little, still looking down at me, searching for something. "My God," he says softly. "You were in love with him, weren't you."  
  
It's not a question, but I don't know the answer to it. I shrug. "I don't know."  
  
"How can you not know?" He sounds exasperated.  
  
Because I don't know what love is? It's hardly as if I was close enough to anyone to really love them. James.I've realized lately that I wasn't in love with him. I wanted his attention, and I was certainly attracted to him, but it wasn't love. I don't think. When he hurt me, when I realized that I meant nothing more to him than I meant to any of the Marauders, the hurt turned to loneliness, depression, and a bitter anger relatively quickly. It didn't linger, like this feeling I have for Harry. I shake my head when I realize that he's still standing there waiting for an answer.  
  
He's silent, watching me. "Haven't you ever been in love?" He asks quietly.  
  
I give a derisive snort. "Think, Black. Who in their right mind would get close to me? Even when I was in Hogwarts, I had no close friends. Who on earth would I have fallen in love with?" A bit of self loathing and bitterness leaks through in my voice, though I try to hide it from him.  
  
"But you know what love is. I mean, you've felt it, right?"  
  
Bloody idiot, I think, irritated by the question. "Why is this any of your business?"  
  
He's staring at me. "But..Your parents. They must have-"  
  
"My mother died when I was born. My father considered me a nuisance." Irritation is coloring my voice, and I make no effort to hide that from him.  
  
There is a long silence following that remark. He's quiet, watching me seriously. I suppose he's confused. It's not like he had any lack of loves, male or female. I get more irritated, though mostly with myself, as I realize that I'm sitting here talking to Black about my past.  
  
"I hardly see how this is any of your business," I snap at him. "What happened, happened, and now it's over. Your precious godson is safe from my advances."  
  
He doesn't respond, and I look up, seeing him watching me with a strange expression on his face. The thought that it might be pity makes me livid.  
  
"Do not pity me," I growl, irritated out of all proportion by his continued existence.  
  
"Does it hurt, not having him here?" His question is so quiet, I almost miss it. He managed to surprise me again, I realize.  
  
I surprise myself further by actually answering his question. "Yes. Not that it's any of your business," I add sharply.  
  
He sits beside me on the couch, no longer radiating anger like he was. "No wonder you're such a bitter loner."  
  
"Oh, thanks!" I say acerbically.  
  
He looks over at me oddly. "Aren't you lonely?"  
  
"Why would you care?" It comes out more sharply and bitterly than I intended, but I don't take it back.  
  
He shrugs. "I suppose.I just remembered how you used to follow us around all the time. Well, until that prank with Moony."  
  
I snort. Prank my ass. But I keep it to myself, not wanting to start another deep discussion with him.  
  
"Why'd you stop following us?"  
  
I shake my head, not wanting to get into it.  
  
"Come on."  
  
"No."  
  
"It'll help us get along better," he wheedles, trying to pry it out of me.  
  
"You're insane." First he wants to kill me, now he wants to talk about why I have no friends? Certifiably insane. I put my head in my hands, feeling a headache coming on. The time is passing way too slowly.  
  
I feel him watching me and refuse to look up at him. So I get yet another surprise when I feel his hand on my shoulder. I jerk my head up to look at him in shock. He's touching me?  
  
"Severus, can we put the past behind us? With Voldemort on the rise we can't afford to fight amongst ourselves."  
  
I blink at him. Apparently there is something in that head of his besides fluff. "No, I suppose we can't. Though I have no wish to be your friend. It's far too late for that, Black."  
  
"Sirius."  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Sirius. It's my name?"  
  
"I know that, idiot."  
  
"You could use it."  
  
"I could."  
  
Silence takes over for a little while, and I find my thoughts drifting back to Harry. I like the silence. I can pretend that his annoying godfather isn't really here.  
  
"You love him," he says, interrupting my thoughts.  
  
I growl in irritation. "Drop it."  
  
"No. I want to understand this. Harry is my responsibility, and you hurt him. I want to know why."  
  
I scowl at him. "It had to end."  
  
"Why did it start in the first place?"  
  
I hesitate. Telling him about James and my wish for revenge is probably a very bad idea.  
  
He scowls at me. "I'm being good about this, you know. I haven't told Dumbledore and I don't intend to. I just want to understand."  
  
"I don't feel like airing anymore of my past problems with you, thank you," I snap at him.  
  
"What does your past have anything to do with this?" He's frowning at me again.  
  
I sigh. And without my saying a thing he figures it out. I really shouldn't have underestimated his intelligence, but he always did act like a fluff head.  
  
"You like James, didn't you," He says, staring at me as though I'd grown a second head. "You saw him in Harry and you-"  
  
"Lost control," I finish for him, looking away.  
  
"Did you love James? Is that why you stopped following us?"  
  
I turn an exasperated look on him. Maybe I didn't underestimate his intelligence. He still has no short term memory.  
  
He holds up a hand. "Did you think you loved him?"  
  
I roll my eyes. "How does this have anything to do with the topic in question?"  
  
"You did." His eyes narrow dangerously. "And he hurt you, so you wanted to hurt Harry, isn't that right?"  
  
I sigh. "Yes."  
  
For a moment I think he's going to hit me again, but he gets himself under control, thinking about it. "What changed, then?" "Hurting him hurt." I look away, not wanting to look at him.  
  
"You really are a mess aren't you," he comments.  
  
I shoot him a venomous look.  
  
He shrugs, looking up as Dumbledore comes back. "Figure out your feelings, Snape. And when you do, come talk to me."  
  
"I don't think so," I mutter as he leaves.  
  
Dumbledore is watching me. "Can you work with him?" he asks finally.  
  
I sigh. "Yes."  
  
He nods. "Good." And then I am left alone with my thoughts and my hurting heart. Strange how losing someone makes you realize how much you needed them. 


	2. Chapter Two

What I Need 2/?  
  
Tonight is the beginning of a new term. I find myself fussing around my room anxiously before the feast and mentally berate myself. I can't believe I'm so nervous about seeing him again. I sweep out of my rooms, attempting to push him from my mind, and head for the Great Hall, irritated. That stupid conversation with Black didn't help at all.  
  
I slip into my seat, early, watching the older students filter in, laughing and talking. A flash of red catches my eyes and I search it out. Suddenly I find him, laughing with that friend of his, Ron Weasley. He grew over the summer, I realize, finding my gaze trapped by the way he moves, really wishing he wasn't in his robes. He's taller, a little, and a bit broader through the shoulders, though I doubt he'll ever be anything but slender. I itch to pull him close, find all the differences in him with my finger tips and lips, run my hands through his hair, and I fold my hands in my lap, tearing my eyes away from him. He's too beautiful for words, and I am confused that I still feel this way about him. I glance back up, just in time to see that Weasley boy put his hand on Harry's arm. Harry looks up at him and smiles, that sweet smile I've seen so often in the privacy of my rooms. My heart skips a beat as I realize that they could be more than friends.  
  
As I watch, Ron runs his fingers up Harry's arm lightly, and Harry leans close to whisper something in his ear that makes him blush. I feel a flash of pain, physical and imagined, and realize that I've sunk my nails into my palms. They are together, I can see it in the way they act. I'm jealous, I realize, horribly jealous. I should be happy for him, but I'm not. He's finally found someone, and I want to take him away, take him back. I turn my attention to my empty plate as his head turns in my direction. It's better this way, it's better this way, I repeat to myself over and over, the mantra that has kept me going through the summer.  
  
"Hurting?" Black sits beside me, face unreadable.  
  
I scowl and look up at him. "What would you care?" I snap crossly.  
  
He gives me a half smile and I realize he knew all along about Harry and Ron, knew they were together, and didn't tell me.  
  
"Bastard," I snarl at him softly.  
  
"Why? For not telling you? I hardly see how it would have made any difference. He's over you, he's found someone new." He shrugs. "They're happy."  
  
I swallow, feeling nauseous. "I see," I manage to choke out, looking away from him to see Ron and Harry laughing together, heads close.  
  
"Let him be happy," Sirius growls at me. "He deserves it."  
  
"I know," I say quietly. Abruptly I stand, not wanting to stay there any longer, and sweep out of the hall. Watching them is more than I can stand. I feel ill and confused, and just want to be alone.  
  
Which is why I passed him without noticing, until his soft voice called out.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
I turn to see Remus Lupin standing in the shadows, watching me worriedly. He knew too, I realize and curse myself for not figuring that out sooner. What one knows, the other will.  
  
"Are you all right?" He asks quietly.  
  
I shake my head, angry, hurt, and wanting him to go away. I can't hide this in anymore, it's cracking my mask. I won't let him see, I won't. I start to move again, wanting to get away from him, to scream, to cry, or just sit and think. I've never been this helpless against my feelings before, never been so unable to control them. The soft touch on my shoulder scares me and I jump.  
  
"Severus.I don't believe you." It's his hand on my shoulder, and he doesn't want to leave. Why won't he leave?  
  
"Leave him be, Remus," Black drawls from down the hall. "It's nothing compared to what he did to Harry."  
  
I was not forgiven then, I see. I shouldn't have told him anything.  
  
"Sirius," Lupin's voice is soft and rebuking. "Don't be cruel." Black snorts, but Lupin's hand doesn't leave my shoulder. "No one deserves to hurt like this. Go back to the feast if you can't be nice."  
  
They're actually fighting, I realize, and I wonder if this is the first time they've fought about this. It doesn't seem like it.  
  
"I see." Black's voice is cold and angry. "Fine. Stay with him then, Moony." He turns in a swish of robes and leaves, stalking away.  
  
Lupin steers me towards a nearby room, which turns out to be a simple conference room. "Want to talk about it?" His voice is gentle as he guides me to a chair.  
  
No! I want to scream. I just want to be left alone! But all I can do is mutely shake my head, confused and lost.  
  
He sighs softly. "I told him he should have told you, written to you or something, but he wouldn't hear of it. He made me promise not to." He sounds apologetic, and it makes me annoyed. Annoyed is good. Annoyed is normal.  
  
"You could have owled me anyway," I snap. "But wait, no, you wouldn't have." I feel a sneer on my face. "It's not like I matter to you anyway. You or Black." Or apparently Harry, my mind fills in, and I fight back a surge of nausea at the thought.  
  
He winces. "Severus, just because we weren't friends before doesn't mean-"  
  
"Oh? Doesn't it? And just what has changed?" I glare at him.  
  
He looks down, uncomfortable. Good, I think maliciously, hoping he'll just leave. I don't want him here. His sympathy is too much, too close to making me break down completely. I don't need it, and I don't want it.  
  
"I don't want to fight with you, Severus. I...I had hoped we could be friends."  
  
"You hoped wrong. I will work with you because I must, same as with Black, but we are not friends, Lupin. So will you kindly leave me in peace?" Let me be so I can finally let this go?  
  
He looks hurt, but I don't care. "Fine, if you insist," he says quietly. "But keep it in mind, okay? I..I'd like to have someone to talk to as well." He stands and leaves, closing the door quietly and leaving me to my thoughts.  
  
The pain I'm in confuses me, and I press a hand against my chest, finding it hard to breath. "Harry," I say quietly, and that does it. Something inside breaks, the monster running free, and a hot tear rolls down my face. I knew I felt something for him, but I didn't realize it was this strong. Seeing him with Ron was like a blow to my very core. I bury my head in my hands, the hot tears continuing to fall, silently, as I huddle in the chair. God, I love him. I know that now. I love him, and I hurt him and let him go. Too late I know how I feel. Now he's not mine to love. 


	3. Chapter 3

What I Need 3?

Seeing him in class the next day is like exquisite torture. Everything is irritating me, intruding on my pain and loneliness. The students watch me warily, trying not to be the one I notice making a mistake, and I'm aware that I'm not in control, but I can't help it. He never looks at me, not if he can help it. His eyes are either on his homework, or on Ron Weasley.

I snap out instructions as the class drags on, my head pounding and the all too familiar nausea settling under my ribs. Time seems to have slowed down at this moment, dragging my agony on forever until at last the class ends and the students scramble to be the first one out.

He pauses in the doorway, last, and looks at me. I find myself trapped in his gaze, soul laid open for him to see. He gives me a little smile, half sad, half hopeful, then slips away, leaving me alone and confused. I can't stand being without him. But that last look, what did it mean? I shake my head and slump in my chair, rubbing at my pounding temples.

Over the next few days I slide into a strange routine. Get up, teach, then retreat to my rooms to grade homework, or stare morosely at the pages of a book, trying to find the concentration to study. I can't eat, so there's no point in torturing myself with attending meals and possibly seeing him, so I avoid the Great Hall. Tonight's the first Quidditch game: Slythering versus Gryffindor, and I can't bring myself to go. Some head of house I am. I can't even cheer for my own team because- I stop that train of thought before it gets too far. Instead of going, I curl up in a worn chair, trying to read.

Sometime later, I'm startled out of my thoughts by a soft knock at my door.

"It's open," I say, turning to look. It couldn't be him, could it?

Remus Lupin slips in, and I sigh, my headache coming back. Of course not. "Severus?" He's watching me warily. "People have noticed, you know." He shuts the door, leaning against it. "You haven't been eating, your students are terrified of you, and from the looks of it, you haven't been sleeping either."

I scowl at him, wishing he would just go away. I don't need him here. I don't want him here. He makes me feel off balanced, and I always seem to lose control of my emotions when he's around. "What do you want, Lupin?"

"I want you to tell me what's wrong. Admit it."

I lean back in my chair, the words coming out before I can stop them. "Admit I love him? Admit that seeing him causes me pain? Admit that I can't live without him? Fine," I snap. "Now leave me alone."

He gives me a shocked look. Somehow, I don't think he expected me to answer. I surprised myself, actually. It feels better, getting it off my chest, but not much. It still hurts.

He crosses to where I am, and sits on the footstool in front of me. "Severus," he says quietly. "You know you love him?"

I sigh and look down at him. "Yes, Lupin. Your idiot of a boyfriend gave me a talking to and made me realize how I feel. I know how I feel. I love him." I frown a bit, noticing a bruise on his wrist. "Speaking of Black, what happened to you?"

He flushes and tugs his shabby robes over the bruise. "It's nothing. You should tell Harry how you feel. He needs to know."

"He's not mine to love. It would make no difference." I'm still frowning at him, I realize. Since he's not going to leave, I might as well give up. Why does it bother him that I noticed that bruise? I reach out without thinking and wrap my hand around his wrist, pulling it up. My fingers fit into the bruises easily, and I scowl. I didn't think Black would hurt him, but apparently I was wrong.

Lupin tugs at his arm. "It's not what it looks like. Sirius didn't hurt me."

"Who did then?" Funny how he knew what I was thinking.

He sighs softly. "We were just arguing. He was sorry about it as soon as he noticed." He looks away from me, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has gone.

I watch him, thinking about this. I actually am not bothered by Lupin as much as I am by Black. Lupin is harmless, I know that, werewolf though he is. I've begun opening up to him, I realize, and it feels good. Time to open up more. "So he hit you?" I ask.

"No!" He looks up sharply. "He would never hurt me, not on purpose. He just grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving."

Apparently even the perfect couple is having problems. Bully for them. As I sit holding his wrist, I study him, feeling close to him in a different way. This must be a bit like what friendship is like, I think to myself.

"What do I do?" I say softly, letting go of his arm.

He looks up at me startled. "Do?"

"About…Harry." It hurts to say his name.

A soft sigh answers me, then he speaks quietly. "I think you should tell him. He and Ron, they're not as together as Sirius thinks. At least, I don't think they are. I've watched them together, and it seems more like a very close friendship with a little bit of intimacy than a romantic relationship."

I shake my head a little. "But he looks so happy."

"He spends a lot of time with Ron, figuring things out, I think. They talk a lot. I think he's simply figured some things out, and it's lightened his heart a little. Having a good friend can do that."

"Figuring things out," I repeat quietly. With a close friend Like Lupin and I are? I think about that for a moment, and find that it rings true. I look over at him, sitting on my footstool, and realize that I think of him as a friend now. We both have things to figure out. Perhaps it's good that we've found each other. "We all have things to figure out, don't we."

He sighs softly and I know I'm right. "Let's figure you out first, okay?"

I find myself nodding, and feel a weight lift from me with the action. He smiles and I return it.

Later, as he's leaving, I feel relaxed, and think perhaps I'll be able to sleep for once. I have a friend. I know what I need to do. Somehow, I'll get my life back on track. Tomorrow I'll talk to him, and try my best to help him as he's helped me. But first, I'll talk to Harry. I can think about him now without pain. Maybe this will work after all.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

What I Need 4?

The next day of classes passes by swiftly, leaving me nervous and headed for dinner. I had, according to plan, sent Harry an owl this morning before classes, asking him to meet me in the observatory after dinner. How I'm supposed to eat now, I don't know. As I take my seat, Remus slips up and joins me, ignoring the glare he gets from his partner.

"Nervous?" He asks quietly.

I sigh and nod. "Yes. Will you be…somewhere where I can find you after?"

He nods and glances over at Sirius, who looks away. Evidently they're still fighting. "Actually, would you mind if I just waited in your rooms?"

I blink. Evidently it's worse than I thought. I knew Black was upset that Remus was talking to me so frequently, but he'd have to get over it. It's not like he was cheating on him. I tag that thought, reminding myself to ask Remus about it later. "You two are still fighting?"

He nods again, looking down. "He doesn't like the fact that I talk to you so much. He really doesn't like you."

I sigh a bit and pick at my food. "You're quite welcome to wait in my room. And..you know…if it ever gets really bad, you can come over any time you want."

He smiles a bit, looking surprised. "Thank you, but I don't think I'll have to. He won't hurt me, really. He just has a temper."

I nod, and the rest of dinner passes in silence. I'm lost in my thoughts, and I assume he's lost in his. Too soon, it's over, and the students are filing out of the Hall. The lump of nervousness in my stomach grows and I regret eating the little I did. As I stand, Remus smiles up at me.

"Good luck, Severus."

I smile back faintly and head for the observatory, trying to fight back the urge to run away and hide. Really, that's ridiculous, I scold myself. It's just a little…talk…about emotions…

He's not there when I arrive, and I pace nervously in front of a window, looking out over the grounds. There are a few clouds skidding over the sliver of a moon and casting odd shadows on the forest and lake. I'm entranced by the movement, and stop to look out over a landscape of black and silver, forgetting why I'm there for a moment.

A soft noise from behind me startles me and I turn to see him standing in the door, the moonlight turning him all silver and shadows, as if he's not real, but just a dream in the night. My breath catches in my throat, seeing him standing there like that. So surreal, like a ghost, or a Muggle fairy tale creature come to life. He is still so beautiful, so breathtaking. How I ever got up the nerve to hurt him like I did, I don't know. I find that I've forgotten how to speak, and what I wanted to say to him. He doesn't move, just watching me silently from the shadows by the door. I make a slight move towards him, reaching for him, and the moment is gone, broken by my gesture. He stirs, stepping into the room and I sigh softly.

"You wanted to see me?" he says quietly.

I clear my head and find my voice somewhere. "Yes…" It comes out a bit rough, as if I haven't used it in a long time. "Yes, I need to talk to you."

He moves in a bit further, stopping just out of arm reach, waiting quietly for me to continue. I sigh softly, finding this harder than I had thought it would be.

"Are you and Mr. Weasley…together?" I finally get out.

He smiles faintly and nods a little. "Yes."

Hesitantly I continue, not showing how much that admission hurt. "Do you…love him?"

He's quiet, thinking about this, while I wait, every nerve stretched tight as a wire. If he says yes, it's over and I'll leave. After a long pause, he shakes his head. "No. Ron's…more like my best friend."

I'm dizzy for a moment in relief. "You're not?"

He gives me a quizzical look and shakes his head again, a wary look in his eyes.

I bite my lip as I notice the wariness. I don't begrudge him that though. I wouldn't trust me either. After all, I hurt him badly. He's still waiting for me to explain though, standing and watching me. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have to let go of my pride, of my masks, and open myself to him, aware of how vulnerable that makes me. I hate being vulnerable and weak, but he's my weakness and I know it.

"Harry," I say softly. "I realize that this is too late," oh how true that is, and how painful! "But I…I love you," I finish, almost inaudibly.

He stares at me, eyes wide with shock. I don't think that's what he expected to hear from me. He shakes his head a bit, confused.

"It's true." I move back over to the window, finding it easier to talk to him while looking out and away from his eyes. "I love you. I realized it too late, and I'm sorry." Keeping my voice neutral somehow is hard, and I don't even dare to hope that he might still feel something for me.

"Why are you telling me this now?" He asks. Without seeing his face, I can't guess at the feelings behind that statement.

"I needed to. Even if it doesn't make any difference, I'll have told you." Oh please let it make some difference. I've realized that you're more important to me than my job, than my peers. Love is. I can't live without you. How could I have been stupid enough to push you away?

He touches my shoulder lightly, and I turn to look down at him.

"Do you still want me?" His eyes are so vulnerable, so open. His face is like a book, easy to read. He's afraid of being hurt, and hopeful, wanting this as much as I do, and my heart skips a beat.

"Yes," I say my voice hoarse again.

He worries at his lower lip for a moment, and I want to soothe the bitten skin with my lips, feel him in my arms again. Only this time, it will be forever. I won't let him go.

"You aren't going to…leave me again, are you?" His voice is plaintive and I shake my head.

"You're more important than work, Harry. I need you. More than I can explain." My voice is quiet and I watch him, waiting for him to move first.

The soft sound he makes is almost a sob, and his arms are suddenly around me, his face buried against my chest. "I need you too," he mumbles into the fabric of my robes.

My arms go around him, pulling him close to me and I sigh, feeling the tension and pain of the summer fading away. With a gentle hand I tip his face up to mine and kiss him softly, lovingly.

He responds, but his kiss his hungry, demanding, and I find myself giving way, giving myself over to him. He presses his body to mine, and I run my hands over his back, putting everything I feel into the kiss and simple touch. This is where we belong. This is right.

His fingers fumble at the fastenings of my robes and I shiver a little. I hadn't planned or even thought about him wanting me as much as I wanted him. Silly, I suppose. But this time will be different. He gets them undone and pushes the heavy fabric off of my shoulders, leaving me in a simple tunic and pants. I let my hands slide up to the fastenings of his robes and return the favor. He allows me that, then pushes me back onto my robes, not breaking the kiss. I missed this, missed the feel of him against me.

He pulls up to look down at me with darkened eyes. "I…dreamt about you. About this."

I lift my hand, trailing my thumb over his lower lip and he kisses it lightly. "So did I, love." I watch as he sucks my thumb into his mouth and shudder slightly. I want him. I need him. He's my drug, my solace, my sanity. "Harry…." I whisper.

He pulls back to get both of us out of the last of our clothing, then snuggles to my side, his skin sliding along mine like silk. I trail a hand down his back, marveling at the feel of him pressed so close. I draw him up and kiss him again. I could kiss him forever, but he wants more than that and I can feel his hand trailing down my chest. As his fingers rub over my nipples lightly, I arch to his touch, my body already on fire for him. Just looking at him can drive me crazy. My hands pull at his hips, wanting him already, and he moans softly, his head falling to rest between my shoulder and neck. A moment later I stiffen as he bites me, then shudder. He pulls up, looking down at me.

"Mine…" His voice is low and husky, as his hand trails down my chest, teasing me, claming me.

"Yours," I gasp out, trying to lift my hips to him, and then I moan as his lips follow the path of his fingers, slowly exploring my body. His touch is fire and ice burning through my veins, driving me crazy with the need to feel him. I reach up, trailing my hands over his body, and he straddles my legs, smiling at me lovingly.

"I want to see you," he whispers, stroking me gently with his hand.

I trace little patterns on his hips, biting my lip to keep control. "Harry," I whisper. "Please…"

He leans down, kissing me lightly, lovingly, then slowly sinks down onto me, shuddering a little at the slight pain. I fight to keep from arching up to him, and watch him. We've never done it like this before. Never face to face, where I can see him and he can see me. It's so much more personal, so much more involved. It's perfect. Then he rocks his hips lightly and I lose the ability for coherent thought. All that's left is the heat, and him, burning through my veins. His hands and mine are everywhere, touching, stroking, learning the secrets of our bodies, losing ourselves in each other and loving it.

When he arches, shuddering, his climax hitting him hard, I'm less than a second behind him, spiraling up the waves of pleasure hand in hand with him, our bodies pressed to each other, fingers laced, faces inches apart. I feel more than hear his soft cries of pleasure and respond to them, rocking slowly as we both come down from the heights we reached together.

He collapses, shivering, onto my chest, nuzzling sleepily at my neck and I wrap my arms around him.

"This is where we belong…" I mummer into his hair as I hold him close, feeling him drift off into sleep. Content, I spell lock the door and lace fingers with him again, happy to hold him for as long as I can.


	5. Chapter 5

What I Need 5?

When I wake, it's late at night, and he's curled up by my side, sleeping peacefully. I brush his hair away from his face and kiss his scar lightly, smiling. He opens his eyes, and smiles sweetly up at me.

"Is it morning?" His voice is sleepy, and I feel a little pool of warmth in my stomach. He's so sweet, so precious…so mine.

"No, it's probably around midnight." I lace fingers with him, not wanting to let him go, though I know I have to. "You should probably get back to your dorm."

He sighs and presses closer to me. "I don't want to go."

"I know," I say gently. "But you still shouldn't get caught out of bed. And, "I sigh. "I don't think we should let anyone know, not just yet." I stroke his back with light fingers. "Believe me, love, I don't want you to go either."

He sighs, but gives me a smile for calling him love. "Can we make this work?"

"Yes." I say firmly. "We will make it work."

He smiles softly at me and leans up to kiss me lightly. It's a sweet kiss, a hopeful kiss, and I smile as he pulls away.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

He grins at me and nods, standing to tug on his robes. I stand as well, dressing and unlocking the door.

"You'll have to give me detention more often," he says impishly, before wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning against me. "Like..tomorrow."

I kiss him lightly, smiling. "We'll see. Sleep well, love."

He gives me a brilliant smile and slips off, back to his own bed. It occurs to me that Lupin, no, Remus is waiting for me, and I curse softly and head for my room, hoping he's not upset. Strange, this business of caring for people. Who would have thought that I would be friends with Remus Lupin, and in love with a student, one Harry Potter. I feel myself smiling as I reach my rooms. Harry. Yes, somehow we'll make this work.

I open the door to find Lupin curled up in a chair, sleeping. His robe doesn't quite cover his wrists, and I frown at the bruises there. () I move closer, examining him for further injuries. There's a bite mark on his neck, and his lips are bruised and a little swollen. He's curled up in a little ball on the chair, thin face sad even in his sleep. I hadn't thought that he'd go back to his rooms before coming here, but apparently he had.

As I kneel beside him, he wakes up, blinking at me in a bit of confusion. "Severus?"

I smile a little, the happiness from before having given way to worry. "Sorry I was gone so long. Are you okay, Remus?"

He nods, sitting up slowly and stretching. "Mmm, yeah."

I sigh. This is going to be harder than I thought. "So, let's see." I catch his wrist, looking at the bruises, then back up at him. "He got upset again, but he was very upset when he noticed that he'd hurt you."

He flushes, and looks away. "Severus….he loves me, I know he does." He shivers a little. "Azkaban changed him, that's all. He's jealous that I spend so much time with you, worried that he might lose me."

"So he reminded you who you belong to?" I say harshly. I don't like Black. He was dangerous and irresponsible before Azkaban, and going there seems to have made him worse. He's a loose cannon, and I don't trust him.

He flinches at my words. "Severus, it's not like that…."

"Look at me and tell me that you wanted it, that he didn't practically rape you." Let's see how right I am, Remus. He did, I can tell. You're hurting, but you don't want to share. I know about pain, and I know about hiding it. You can't hide it from me.

He flinches again at my choice of words and I scowl, my suspicions confirmed. "Remus, he did, didn't he. He forced you."

"No." He shakes his head. "He didn't hurt me. I've hurt myself worse." He flushes a little. "And I can't say that I didn't like it…."

I sigh softly. "Then why were you crying?"

He looks down at his lap, his hair hiding his eyes. "I…he scared me," he admits quietly.

"Why do you stay?" This is an aspect of love I have never understood. How can one person forgive another so easily for things they otherwise would have been furious over? Black is overprotective, jealous and, apparently, violent. Not the kind of person I'd want to be with.

"Because I love him," he says simply, looking up at me. "I know it's hard to understand, but I do. And he loves me too. Normally he's sweet and kind. He just…scares me sometimes. He never means to hurt me."

"Maybe he doesn't mean to, but he does hurt you." I sigh, seeing that I'm not going to get Remus to leave Black. "You're welcome to stay here whenever you need to."

He gives me a little smile. "Thank you. I…I don't want to go back there tonight."

I nod and stand, heading for my room.

"Severus?"

I turn, cocking an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"How did it go?" He smiles at me.

I feel the warmth from before bubbling up and I know I'm grinning like an idiot. As I attempt to regain my composure, he grins at me.

"That well, huh? You two are back together?"

I nod, giving up on the not grinning like an total moron thing. Hell, I'm in love, I might as well let the only person I can tell know it. "I have no idea how we're going to make this work, but yeah, we're together again."

He smiles happily. "Good. You love him a lot, don't you?" His voice is a bit wistful, and I choke back the urge to go pound on Black for treating him this way.

Instead I nod. "Yes, very much."

He smiles and curls up again, and I head into my bedroom and slip into bed, thinking. This year Harry will graduate. After that, he won't be my student anymore. I know Dumbledore wants him to take the DADA position here. Perhaps then we can truly be together. Maybe there will be a future for us. And hopefully, there will be a future for Remus as well.

() See Ana's Snape Pics and the three page doujinshi (comic) that is Sirius/Remus. It explains what happened to him.


	6. Chapter 6

What I Need 6?

It's Christmas break. The past few months have gone by in a blur. Harry and I manage to meet every so often, and Remus spends a good deal of time either in my rooms or off around Hogsmeade. I'd be insanely happy if it wasn't so…not me. And if I wasn't worried.

Harry is staying for Christmas, which is something that I'm delighted by. We'll be able to spend more time together. I've relaxed, I realize. I no longer feel the urge to wrap my arms around him and snarl "mine" to the world, or want to snatch him away from everyone. Jealous? No. I have no need to be. After all, he loves me. I feel a smile spreading across my face and am quite thankful that there's no one around to see it. Yes, Harry and I are fine. Remus is another issue entirely.

So far, he has no new bruises, and I thank the stars that either Black has stopped hurting him, or Remus stood up and defended himself. The situation still isn't better though. Remus is unhappy, and finds ways to spend as much time away from Black as possible. Currently, he's shopping in Hogsmeade. I know, because he invited me along. Sirius is…somewhere. Where, exactly, I'm not sure, and I don't really care. He hasn't been happy recently either, and he's been spending quite a bit of time in Dumbledore's company. Hopefully the headmaster is helping him deal with whatever troubles he has that are making him act this way towards Remus. Perhaps I'm simply being sentimental (I blame it all on Harry, the little git) but I'd like to see Remus happy. And though I still loathe Black, if he's what it takes to make him happy, then I can learn to live with that. So, inept as I am with human emotions, I will try my best to help Remus get what he wants.

I glance up from my musings at a knock on the door, surprised. Harry doesn't knock. He knows he doesn't have to. Remus is in Hogsmeade. Albus?

"Yes?" I watch the door curiously, but as it opens, I'm still completely startled. The last person I ever expected to see at my door is standing there, and looking awful.

"May I come in?" Sirius Black asks, watching me tiredly.

"If you wish." I keep my voice neutral, but I can feel my back tensing. What is it about him that bothers me so? Perhaps the fact that he tried to kill me, I think wryly.

He quietly closes the door and sits in one of the spare chairs. "Severus…" he sounds hesitant, and watches me nervously. "I realize…we're not friends-"

I can't stop the derisive snort at his comment and he sighs.

"Okay, so we loathe each other. Still, I…I need your help." He looks up at me with quiet desperation, and I'm a bit shocked.

"This has to do with Remus, doesn't it?"

He nods. "I'm afraid…afraid that I've lost him." The pain in that simple statement proves that Remus is correct. Black does love him. I hope.

However, I cannot resist playing devil's advocate in this. "Why should I help you? It seems to me that he'd be better off without you."

He sighs. "Please. I love him. I need him." He's not bothering to hide his feelings from me. "I haven't treated him like I should, and…I'm afraid I realized it too late."

I dig a bit, wanting him to feel the pain he put his lover through. "No, I suppose forcing him and making him fear you doesn't exactly constitute treating him well."

He looks down, flushing in shame. Perhaps he has grown up a bit. His conscience certainly has. "I know," he says quietly. "When he left after…after that, I realized what I'd done, and I thought I'd lost him right then. Sometimes I see him, and I think it's just another cruel dream, that at any moment I'll wake up to find myself back in my cell in Azkaban. Then when he was spending so much time with you, I …I went a little crazy." He looks guilty. "He was my love, not yours. So I..I…"

"You wanted to prove to him that he was yours," I say coldly.

He nods miserably. "Thinking back on it, I know how wrong I was to even think like that. I don't own him. He is…was with me by choice. And now I've lost him," He finishes in a small, despondent voice.

I sigh a bit. Well, I did want to help Remus. However, suddenly having Black pour his heart out to me is more than a little strange. "Just how do you expect me to help you? I'm still not sure you won't hurt him again. I don't trust you, Black, and I never have."

"I'd rather cut my heart out than hurt him again!"

I blink. The vehemence in that statement was also a bit of a shock, not too mention something I can relate to. I've thought that to myself more than once. "So you're learned your lesson, is that what you're telling me? You're not going to make another stupid mistake and "accidentally" hurt him again? You never learned that fast in the past." He bristles at my tone and I smile, mockingly. "Because," and now I let my anger creep into my voice, "if you so much as lay a finger on him in anger again, I will personally see that you suffer for it."

He nods, seeming unsurprised at my threat. "I swear, Severus. I can't live without him. He's…all that's left of me."

With a sigh I relent, though I think I must be crazy for doing so. "I'll talk to him then. You'll have to apologize on your own though."

He gives me a relieved smile. "Thank you."

I nod to him and he stand, nodding back, then leaving me alone again. Is this right? I can't bring myself trust him, no matter what he says, but it is Remus's choice, and I will tell him.

The sound of the door closing brings my attention back to the present, and I look up to see my love standing there, smiling. The worry fades as I smile back at him and hold my arms out.

He comes to me, and cuddles close on my lap, still grinning. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

I close my eyes, glad to have him close. "You didn't. You never do. You know you're always welcome here."

"Mm." He traces the curve of my jaw with a light finger and I smile again. "What were you thinking about?"

"Your godfather was just here." I open my eyes to see his reaction. He knows about Remus and Sirius. You should have seen him when he found out. I thought he was going to kill Sirius.

"Augh, Sev, if he was yelling at you because we're together again, just ignore him." He rolls his eyes in annoyance. He's so cute when he's irritated, something that I freely admit leads me to tease him as often as I can. "Honestly, I know what I'm doing. I'm hardly a child anymore."

I lean up and kiss him, feeling him respond, his hand sliding into my hair. Smiling, I pull back, much to his dismay. "Actually, he came to ask for my help."

He blinks. "Your..help?"

"I was surprised too." I rest my head on his shoulder, and he leans his down against mine.

"He wants Remus back, doesn't he," he says quietly.

"Yes. Should I help? I told him I would, but.." I trail off, shrugging eloquently. I have no qualms about not telling Remus, which is something that separates my lover and I. If he said he would do something, he would do it, or die trying.

He calmly ignores this difference in our personalities. He's learned that that's just the way I am, and that it doesn't usually apply to him. He's the person I will keep a promise to, no matter what. "He hasn't been the same since Remus left. I think he can change." I smile. If Harry believes it, hopefully it will happen. "If he doesn't," and he scowls, "I'm not going to let him get by with it."

That brings a smile to my face again. No, he wouldn't. He truly is a Gryffindor, always getting worked up about what is right, even if right doesn't mean following the rules. Thinking, however, is getting a bit difficult. His body is warm against mind, and I find that, as always, the feel of him leaves me wanting more. He's not wearing his robe, for which I'm grateful, even though his muggle clothing is ridiculously huge for him. I should take him shopping. I cringe away from that thought. Shopping? I hate shopping. I run my hand up his thigh to rest on his hip, wanting to see all of him. Though seeing him in well fitting clothing would be…nice.

He twists on my lap, oblivious to my thoughts, and smiles. "Shall we go to bed, love?" His voice drops into a little sultry purr, turning the word bed into a lovely little insinuating word.

"You really do have strange mental powers you're not telling me about, don't you," I say dryly.

He laughs. "Mm, but of course." And then he attempts to look evil, and I find myself laughing. "I can read your mind!" He waggles his fingers at me and I bat his hands out of the way to lean in and kiss him. His lips are pliant against mine, and he worries at my lower lip slightly with his teeth.

I slide a hand up his back to bury it in his soft hair, and he pulls back, a teasing grin on his face.

"Not in the chair. That was supremely uncomfortable." He slips from my lap before I can object, and backs into the bedroom, grinning at me the whole way. Little git, I think, watching him, trying to keep an aloof expression on my face. His grin widens and he tugs off that ridiculously huge shirt. Oh, now that's not fair, I think. He is beautiful, slender, and marvelously in shape from playing Quidditch. The candlelight turns his skin to silk and gold, and I struggle not to give up the game right then and there and go to him, pulling away the rest of the clothing hiding him from my eyes.

Seeing the wicked gleam in his eyes, I realize he knows exactly what effect he's having on me. Rising, I move into the bedroom as well and as nonchalantly as possible ready myself for bed. I've lost already and I know it, but it's still fun to play out this game to it's finish. I slide into bed, settling back against the pillows, ankles crossed in an attempt to hide my body's reaction to his. He's grinning, recognizing his victory.

"Mm." He makes a soft noise, then - far too slowly for my taste – peels the baggy jeans from his body, leaving just a pair of slightly ratty looking red plaid boxers.

I can't resist a smirk at that. Plaid. I change my mind. We definitely have to go shopping. As I watch, he climbs onto the bed, then crawls up the path my legs make until he's straddling my lap. I arch an eyebrow at him, and keep my hands on my lap, though I desperately want to run them over that silken skin.

"Was there something you wanted?" I applaud myself for managing to keep my voice dry and calm, betraying no hint of just how much I want him right at that moment.

He merely smirks, an act which makes me blink in surprise, and lowers his head to kiss the hollow of my collarbone. I quiver under him, closing my eyes and pleading mentally for control as his tounge flicks out, tracing the outline of it. His hands stroke my chest ever so lightly, fingers exploring my body with feathery touches that drive me wild. I shiver again, biting back a soft moan. He continues this light exploration, his lips trailing over my collarbone, then down in a fiery path to fasten over one peaked nipple. I can't fight back the little gasping moan I give at that. He is so good with his mouth, knowing just how to use it to bring the most pleasure, no matter where. And he seems to love it. He says he loves the taste of my skin. I am not objecting.

His hips rock against mine as he suckles lightly, teasing the little nub of flesh with his teeth, my little moans only encouraging him further. I lose the battle to resist him and bury my hands in his hair again, arching to that talented mouth.

"God, Harry…" I gasp. He could do this all night, I know. He's tried before. I usually lose patience with him after a bit though. I can only take so much of this incredible teasing before I have to have him. I loose my fingers from his hair and let them trail over his soft skin, stroking his sides.

He makes this lovely mewling sound and arches to my hands, his mouth trailing across my chest to tease and lick at the other nipple. I moan softly again, sliding both hands down into his boxers to pull his hips against mine. He grinds against me in response, eliciting a groan from both of us. This is so good, so sinful.

With a soft wet sound, he pulls his mouth away from my skin and I shudder at the loss. He looks up at me, face flushed, lips swollen, eyes dark with desire. "Sev," he moans softly, obviously wanting me as much as I want him. "Please…"

No more needs to be said. I pull him down to one side of me, rolling to cover him with my body, my hands still on his hips. As I kiss him, I can feel his hands trailing down to the waistband of my boxers, tugging at them, trying to pull them off. He's impatient tonight, which suits me just fine. We will have time for all kinds of loving throughout our lives. Now, we will go with the moment, following our instincts. I kneel to tug off his boxers, leaving him naked on the sheets. I pause then to look down at him, my breath catching in my throat at the sheer beauty of the being sprawled out wantonly before me. Moments like these leave me wondering what on earth I did to deserve being with him. He reaches for me, hands finding my boxers and tugging at them, wanting me as naked as he is and I comply, slipping out of them. His hands pull me down to where I was, resting between his legs and we both moan softly, hips rubbing together. His mouth fastens on the tender skin just below my ear, and I trail my hands down his sides, stroking and teasing, hips rubbing slowly against his.

"S-sev…" His breath hitches in his throat as he moans at me. "Don't tease…please….just take me."

I groan softly. How can I say no to that? I fumble at the bedside table, finding the jar of oil by touch alone as I bury my face against his shoulder, nuzzling and kissing the soft skin there. I coat my fingers, then slowly slide my hand down to slide them into him slowly. The low throaty moan I get drives me crazy. I want him, and I don't want to wait.

"Oh Harry," I whisper against his neck, slowly thrusting my fingers in, making sure to brush over his sweet spot as I do. The sounds he makes are heady, like a rich red wine, sending tremors through my system. As his body arches under my touch, his legs sprawling out on the bed, hips pressing up as if he's trying to get more, I lose myself in just feeling, wanting this to never end.

His fingers tangle in my hair, pulling, almost hard enough to hurt. "God, Sev, now! Please…" He's panting lightly, skin flushed with pleasure, and I give in, removing my fingers and pushing into him slowly. He's silk and velvet, and incredible heat, and I moan, burying my face against his neck. It's so perfect, the way we fit, like two halves of a whole linking together. Our movements are slow, gentle, rocking out, and then back in, sweet and loving. The moments are heady and timeless, but I can feel the pressure growing, and know that it will end all too soon.

"S-sev," he pants, writhing beneath me, liquid fire sparking where his skin brushes mine. I slide my hand down to wrap around him, stroking the velvety skin, urging him to give in as I rock slowly in and out. He tenses, hips arching up to my touch, then cries my name out, shivering and writhing in ecstasy as his climax sweeps through him. It's too much for me, and I cry out as well, a shudder running through my body as the pleasure explodes through me, rendering me temporarily blind.

As I slowly return to the room, I can feel his heartbeat against my cheek, hear his shallow breathing, as he comes back down as well. His hands stroke my back idly and I smile, carefully pulling out and curling up to one side, wrapping an arm over him. He turns his head to look at me, eyes a brilliant emerald.

"Love you," he murmurs, leaning over to kiss me.

"Love you too," I respond, just before his lips meet mine.

This is where I belong. Here, in his arms, with him in mine, our hearts beating nearly in unison. The love I feel for this boy overwhelms me at times, and I can't help but use all the time we have together to try and tell - or show - him just how much I care. Sleep claims him slowly, his breathing becoming gentler and deeper, and I smile down at him.

"Goodnight, my angel," I say softly, reminded of a muggle song I heard once. "now it's time to sleep…" I trail off, smiling. Gently, I kiss his scar, then curl up around him, letting sleep claim me as well.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

What I Need 7/11

I wake to the feel of him snuggled in my arms and smile, feeling like everything is perfect in the world. I could lay here like this forever, simply holding him in my arms. I kiss his shoulder lightly, then come to the realization that as perfect as this is, nature is calling and I have to move, or things will get very unpleasant.

As I return to my room, I hear someone moving in the outer room and frown. Tugging on a robe and running my fingers through my lover's hair, watching the soft smile flit over his face I sigh and head for the door. Scowling, I pull the door open, and am rather startled to find Remus in my room, blinking at me in an exhausted sort of way.

"Remus." I sound startled, I realize. Then again, having the werewolf show up in my rooms at random is still something I'm not used to.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." He yawns a bit. "Is Harry still sleeping?"

I am surprised for a moment, then realize that of course he would know that Harry is staying with me. After all, it's Christmas Break and Harry is the only Gryffindor who stayed this year. "Yes," I say calmly, sitting down in my reading chair.

Remus nods and takes a seat on my sofa, yawning yet again. He looks exhausted, I note, the circles under his eyes almost dark enough to look like real bruises.

"Were you out all night?"

He nods wearily. "I was thinking. I…don't want to see him, Severus." He wraps his arms around himself.

Now, I suppose, would be a good time to tell him of my unusual visit. "He was here yesterday."

That gets me a sleepy and surprised look. "Here? Why?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Why do you think? He knows you've been spending time here." I sigh, feeling ridiculous in my role as messenger. "He wanted me to tell you that he misses you, and wants to talk to you."

Remus frowns. "Why didn't he just come to me?"

I stifle the urge to glare at him for his stupidity. "Oh yes, that would have been quite easy, seeing as how you've spent every waking hour avoiding him." I sigh. "So I was put through his declarations of love."

He curls up into a ball on the sofa, wrapping his ragged robes around himself as if they can keep the world at bay. "Severus…" He trails off and sighs.

"It can't hurt just to talk to him, can it?" Severus Snape, the great relationship counselor. Bloody hell, I hate this.

"I don't want to go back to him," Remus says softly. "Loving him…isn't enough to get me through letting him hurt me. Azkaban changed him. He's not the man I loved before."

I have to admit I didn't expect to hear that from him. He's seemed so unhappy without Black that I never thought that he might not want to be with him anymore. "I didn't think you'd ever say that, Remus."

He hugs his arms closer, looking miserable. "I don't want to hurt him. But…I can't go back. I'll always love him, but I don't want to be hurt again. And no matter how he tries to hold himself back, I know it'll happen again. And next time…I might hurt him back. I couldn't live with myself if that happened."

A soft sound of surprise makes us both look up. Harry is standing in the doorway, his hair tousled in sleep, wrapped in the sheet from my bed, a fact that makes me scowl.

"Remus?" he asks softly.

Remus sighs quietly. "You heard, then."

Harry nods and makes his way over to me, the sheet trailing behind him and making him look oddly small. Curling up on my lap, he looks at Remus with soft worried eyes. "Sirius will be sad," he says quietly.

I kiss his temple, holding him close, and refraining from comment. Harry is better with emotions than I am. I would prefer that they not exist, except for a few. Complex, unnecessary things, emotions.

Remus sighs and nods, and for a moment I'm quite afraid that he's going to cry. "I know Harry. I want to be with him, I really do. But I'm scared that next time he won't stop. That next time, I'll fight back and hurt him. I don't want to be hurt."

Harry nods and leans back against him. "I understand." I can see a corner of Harry's smile, and all of Remus' small one in return.

"Thank you, Harry."

With a sigh I stand, breaking the mood and scooping Harry up with me. "Sleep, Remus. There are extra blankets in the closet by the bedroom." Turning, I carry my lover back into the bedroom.

He twists in my arms to look up at me. "Do you think this is really the end for them?"

"Perhaps," I respond, sitting back down with him on the bed. I raise an eyebrow at him. "Was it really necessary to unmake the bed?" I say coolly.

He grins. "Would you rather I had walked out there naked?"

Unbidden, I get a mental image of that and feel a smirk tugging at my lips. I set him down on the bed and give a yank on the sheet, tugging it off of him and sending him sprawling across the bed as he yelps.

"Severus! Would you be serious?"

I smirk, looking down at him spread out for me. "Oh, but I am."

He rolls his eyes, propping himself up on his elbows. "About Remus. Be serious." He turns onto his back and I straddle his hips, pinning him.

"Harry, it is his choice. I cannot do anything about it, especially not now." I lean down and catch his earlobe between my teeth.

The little noise he makes at that is quite satisfactory, and I set about seeing just how many more delightful little sounds I can wring from him.

"S-sev…" he protests quietly, one last time before I fasten my lips over his, silencing him. We can do nothing for Remus tonight, and I do not intend to dwell on the bad.

Much later, as we're curled up and he's sleeping in my arms, I find my mind wandering back to Remus whether I will it or no. I admire his courage. I have been where he was and I did not have the strength to get out. Harry knows only that I thought I loved his father. This memory he does not know, and I have no intention of telling him. With no little relief I thank the gods that I am not needed as a spy at this time. Unlike before, now I would have something to lose, should Voldemort catch me at my game.

Harry stirs in his sleep and I tighten my arms around him. Yes, I do indeed have something to lose. I swear silently that I will do all within my power to keep him safe. He is to precious to me now to lose…for I would be lost without him.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

What I Need 8/11

As I climb the steps to the Headmaster's office, Harry trailing behind me, I feel a lump of cold nervousness settling itself in my stomach. Dumbledore must have found out about Harry and I. It is the only possible explanation for him calling us both to his office at the same time. Harry is nervous too. I can tell by the way he's fidgeting. I suppose that I have probably lost my job.

Dumbledore is waiting for us at the door to his office, smiling merrily. I should like to think that he wouldn't be so pleased about firing me, so perhaps he doesn't know after all. "Severus! Harry! Ah, do come in! I've made tea."

Tea. Always tea. But he isn't upset, which argues well for him not knowing. I take a seat and notice Harry doing the same… but not to close to me. I want him beside me, but if Albus doesn't know, then I'm not going to tell him.

"Well," the Headmaster says, handing us both our cups of tea, then taking his own seat. "I do hope you don't mind that I called you both up together. I have business to discuss with each of you, and I would rather like Severus to hear what I have to say regarding you, Harry."

Harry glances over at me and I sip my tea, remaining silent. This is curious indeed. Savouring my tea – good mint is hard to find, and Dumbledore always serves it correctly – I wait for the Headmaster to get to the point.

"First of all, for you, Harry. Sirius has informed me that he will not be returning as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor next term, due to some personal business. Alas, we have yet to have a teacher stay for more than one year. I do hope that changes next year, Harry, as I would like you to take the job." He smiles happily at us both.

I choke on my tea. Harry looks as though he's been hit in the head with a board. I stifle inappropriate thoughts at the way his mouth is hanging open, refusing to think of what we'd been doing last night. Confusion is oddly flattering to him.

"Now Severus…he'll make a wonderful teacher. So, Harry, what do you say?" Dumbledore turns twinkling eyes on my lover.

"Er…are you sure, sir? I mean, I wouldn't know where to begin." He sounds unsure of himself, very insecure. That tone is not one I hear very often. He has remarkable self-confidence.

Dumbledore gives me an odd look, making me swallow, though he's still smiling. "I'm sure all of our staff would be more than happy to help. You would return home until your 18th birthday, then return here to prepare. Sound all right?"

Harry grins at the Headmaster, brightening at the prospect of not having to spend the summer with his horrid relations. "Sounds great!"

"Then you'll take the job?"

"Yeah, I'll take it." I'm momentarily afraid that if the silly git I call my lover smiles any harder, he'll hurt himself. I snort into my teacup, earning odd looks for both of them.

Dumbledore nods. "That's that then, Harry. I have to talk to Professor Snape in private, all right?"

Harry stands, setting down his tea. "All right sir!" He nods to me briefly, then slips out, leaving me alone with the Headmaster, who's expression is suddenly anything but light.

"Severus," he says quietly. "May I ask what you think you are doing?"

I wince. He does know. So much for keeping my job. "I…can explain."

"He is your student." His voice is reproachful, and I feel my stomach sinking. Somehow, hearing the disappointment and hurt in his voice makes me guilty, and feel like a small child. Albus always was more of a father to me.

I sigh softly. "I know, Albus." I toy with my teacup, wondering how to tell him. "I cannot offer any excuses, and should you wish to fire me, I would quite understand. But…I am not toying with him. I – fell in love. I need him." The words spill out before I can stop them, and I examine the last statement with a feeling of surprise. I do need him. More than I had ever imagined I would.

Dumbledore sighs. "I will not fire you. Potions Masters are few and far between, and we need you here. Severus…I wish you to break it off."

My face must have betrayed the stab of pain I feel at those words, because he is suddenly watching me with alarm. "Sir…please…" I press my hand against my chest, finding it hard to breath. I was without him for far too long, and I have no wish to experience that kind of pain again.

He sighs again. "Severus…"

"When did you realize?" I say suddenly, grasping at the only hope I could see.

"About two weeks ago. Why?"

"Because we've been together since September."

That startles him, and he leans back, obviously thinking. "Three months?" he says quietly.

I nod, hoping I'm not digging myself into a deeper grave. "We have kept it hidden. No one knows beside you but Remus and Black."

If he's surprised to hear me call Lupin Remus, he doesn't show it. "How serious are you?"

I am quite shocked to realize that I can still blush, as my face flushes uncomfortably. I had not meant to discuss this with anyone yet, as my own plans were still tenuous.

Albus gives me a startled look "Er, Severus, you're blushing."

"How astute of you to notice," I snap, feeling my face burning.

Fortunately, he doesn't take offence at my tone, just chuckles. "Well, Severus?"

Well, I was planning on asking him about it sooner or later, just not quite this soon. Not until Harry had graduated. But seeing as if I say nothing, he'll keep feeding me tea until I'll tell him anything just to get to a wc.

With a soft sigh, I give in. Infuriating old coot. "I….planned on proposing," I manage to get out, all the mixed nervousness and fear attached to my plans rising up in me.

For the second time in the space of a few minutes he's staring at me like I've grown another head. It's beginning to get annoying. "Propose, Severus? You care for him that much?"

"Yes," I say quietly. I can feel the small box in an inner pocket of my robe where it's been for the past month. I'm afraid I've rubbed the velvet off at the corners with all my fidgeting with it.

I look up to see him watching me gravely. I did know from the start that being with Harry could cost me my job. I had not planned on my job costing me Harry. I had hoped that I would not have to make any choice.

"Well then," he says quietly, and suddenly the twinkle is back. "I will accept an invitation to the wedding. I am invited, am I not?"

I'm not fired. Marvelous. More years teaching the insufferable brats. Oddly enough, I'm quite delighted. "Actually, I was hoping that you would officiate. I think that's what Harry would want."

He nods a little. "I would be delighted to, Severus. Do let me know when the date is, all right?"

"Of course, sir. Is that all?"

"Yes. But, Severus," he adds as I stand. "Do keep it under wraps. If word of this gets out, I will have no choice but to fire you."

I bow my head in acquiescence, then step out of his office. As soon as the door is closed, I feel Harry's arms wrap around me from behind.

"Were you eavesdropping, Mr. Potter?" I say sharply.

"No," he mumbles into my back, his arms tightening around me. "He didn't fire you, did he?"

I smile and put my hand over one of his. "No, he didn't fire me."

He gives a sigh of relief, hugging me tightly. "But he does know." He steps around to look up at me. "I don't think I could stand it if you got fired because of me."

I smile at him wryly. "Once upon a time, you would have loved to get me fired, git."

He pouts at me. "Heeey…."

I just roll my eyes, and head past him, down the stairs. "Are you coming, or are you going to stay there and look like a fish?"

"Seeev!" He pouts more and bounds after me. "I am not a git!"

"Yes you are," I say patiently. "You're a silly git." I ruffle his hair.

"Augh."

"Quite."

TBC

Author's Note: For those of you on the SnapeSlash list, you may have already read this. Or at least, you'll think you have. But I have reworked all the ending chapters, making Severus back into his normal snarky self…or I've tried to at least. If I've erred, please let me know! I want to keep him as real as I can. . No Fluffy Bunny!Sev! It's not allowed.


	9. Chapter 9

What I Need 9/11

Graduation day. I stand off to one side, watching the celebrating students. Oddly enough, I find that I will miss them, though it would shock some of them senseless to know that. I already miss some of them, their happy faces missing among their friends. Remus is standing with the Weasleys – Ron is going to be an Auror – but the celebration there is smaller than usual as well.

I feel a pang of sadness as I watch them. We have so much to celebrate, yet also so much to mourn. Voldemort is gone. For some, the price of vanquishing him could never have been to high. Idiots, the lot of them. "Acceptable losses," they say. Death is never acceptable. Wasted lives. Percy Weasley was _not _an "acceptable loss."

I can only imagine the pain Harry is going through. After all, many of the losses affected him directly, and even those that didn't, he feels. Mr. Longbottom proved to us all that he was truly a Gryffindor when he shielded Harry from the Avada Kedavra curse. I can remember the moment as clearly as if it had only happened a moment ago. I listened to Harry's cry of pain and rage as his friend's body fell into his arms. I could only watch, trapped across a battlefield from him, as he cradled Neville's body close, and watched him do what he'd never thought he could. He turned the same curse on Voldemort that the Dark Lord had used to claim so many lives. I hadn't even realized that Harry was capable of casting it.

Needless to say, the Aurors let him get by with it. After all, he was a hero again. I alone know how it upsets him to be treated as he is. I've spent countless nights holding him close, listening to him cry in his sleep and alternately feeling pain and rage for him. I've created a catalogue of things I would love to inflict on those who have made his life so hard, starting with his relatives. Beyond that…he believes he failed. He didn't want to become like Voldemort, didn't want to kill, and as a result of his hesitation, too many lives were lost.

In the fight, I'd been pulled from his side, so I'd watched it all happen. After, I had gently pulled him away from the body of his friend and carried him to the infirmary. He had passed out from the shock halfway there. As I think about it, half watching the Weasley twins try to sneak a Fillibuster's firework under Minerva's robe, it's a good thing that Harry had been unconscious. He hadn't seen the aftermath, hadn't seen the twins in a state of shock, gathering up their brother's body. Hadn't seen Dumbledore trying to comfort Remus. Sirius had been killed defending Remus from Peter Pettigrew.

Harry has dealt with the death of his godfather better than he dealt with Neville's death. Part of that no doubt stemming from the fact that Sirius was not killed in front of him. Remus, however, has not dealt at all well with Sirius' death. I believe he has yet to forgive himself for not telling Sirius he loved him still when he could.

My eyes are drawn to Remus' slim figure as he gives Harry a hug, congratulating him. He's nothing but a shadow of what he was, and I am worried for him, though I have not expressed my concerns. Harry is where I can fuss over him, so I do, in my own way. Remus is not.

Movement to my left makes me start, and drag my thoughts back to the present. The headmaster is standing there, looking his age.

"I thought I'd find you here, dear boy," he says quietly. "You never were one for parties."

"I have given my praise where it was due. I see no point in plaguing their fun or interrupting their family time."

He stands by me in silence for a while before speaking again. "Will you ask him today?" He twinkles at me, teasing lightly, and drawing my thoughts further away from the dark memories I can't seem to forget.

"Yes. Tonight. Will you still preside, if he says yes?" I am nervous again, and push it aside irritably. It will happen, and his answer is beyond my control.

"He'll say yes. And of course I will." He smiles benignly, looking out over the festivities.

I sigh a little, my thoughts turning inwards again. I do hope he says yes. I may not be much, but I love him, and I want to make him happy again.

"It will work out. You'll see." Dumbledore gives me a knowing look, then wanders off.

I see Harry looking my way and smile a little, nodding to him. I wish I could tell him now how proud I am of him, but people would wonder. So I simply raise a hand slightly, then turn and head inside, leaving him with the Weasleys and Remus.

Back in my suite, I go about preparing the dinner I have planned. I let the house elves do the cooking, having learned that no matter how good I am with potions, I cannot cook. A nice romantic evening is not something I have any experience with, but for him, I'll try.

When he finally arrives, I've been fidgeting nervously for about a half an hour. He looks around, noting the small gift on his plate at the table. As I wait nervously, he blinks at the dinner set up, then looks up at me with a delighted smile.

"Severus, you didn't have to do all this," he says happily, wrapping his arms around me.

"Perhaps I should not have, but I wanted to." I'm still nervous. Best to get this over with. "I am proud of you too, git."

He sticks his tongue out at me and I smile a bit. "'m not a git. As of today, I'm your co-worker."

I snort. "Yes. A sad day in the history of Hogwarts."

"Hey!" I get poked in the ribs for that.

With a smile, I push him lightly towards the table. "Sit. Open your gift." I manage not to blush, thankfully, though I can feel the knot of nervousness tightening in my stomach.

He smiles up at me and sits down, picking up the little box. I hold my breath and can feel an anxious scowl settling onto my face and irritably try to get rid of it. He unwraps it slowly, and as he looks down at the little ring in silence, I kneel beside him, placing my hand on his leg and forcing the words out. "Harry. Will…will you marry me?"

He's looking up at me suddenly, and I can see the tears on his face, and the happy smile that has become all too rare.

"Yes," he says simply, and then he's in my arms, face pressed against my neck. "Oh yes yes yes….Severus…I thought you'd never ask!"

I hold him close, almost hurting I'm so happy. I don't think I could have scowled at anyone right at this moment, even if it had been a whole room full of inept first years. With one hand, I tip his face up and kiss him, putting all my love into it. He said yes. I cannot remember the last time I was so happy.

He breaks the kiss to turn in my arms and slip the ring on. I smile as I watch him, hoping that everything will work out. Soon we will truly be together. Hogwarts will simply have to deal.


	10. Chapter 10

What I Need 10/11

Some one is shaking me. I reach for Harry, to find empty space where his body should be, and that, more than the shaking wakes me up.

"Harry!"

"Right _here_, silly…wake up!"

He's shaking me. I growl and roll, pulling him down on top of me. "Do you have any idea what time it is?" I growl at him.

"4:38 am," he says quietly. "Sev, wake up and let go."

I sigh and let him go, sitting up as he does, caught by the seriousness in his voice. My bedroom door is open, I realize, and there's a light on in the room beyond. Harry has been living with me ever since his 18th birthday, so his presence isn't unusual. The light is.

"Remus is here, Sev," he says quietly, serious. "He needs us right now."

I nod, understanding completely, and slip from the bed, pulling on a simple bathrobe. Harry leaves while I'm finding it, so when I emerge into the living room, he's sitting beside Remus with an arm around the werewolf's shoulders.

Remus looks awful. I feel a pang of guilt for not having tried to help him sooner. He is far too thin, looking as if he's made out of glass. I sit on his other side and wrap my arms around him. Being with Harry has allowed me to become more open with those I feel strongly for. Remus definitely falls into that category.

"Shhh, Remus, we're here for you," I say quietly, and he trembles, then goes limp against me, crying softly. I look over his head at Harry, who I realize is merely wearing one of my shirts, and nod towards the bedroom. Remus is clearly exhausted. If he can sleep between the two of us, it would be best if we dealt with this in the morning.

Harry nods, and vanishes back into the bedroom, presumably making the bed neater. I coax Remus to his feet, keeping one arm around him in case he falls.

"This way, Remus. Come this way," I say, leading him into the bedroom. Harry is by his side in an instant, still in my shirt, and together we get him undressed and into the bed. Harry promptly sheds the shirt and curls up at his back while I lay down beside him in front. Remus presses against me, still crying softly. I sigh and wrap my arms around him as Harry snuggles up against his back, sandwiching him between us. After a moment, his sobs stop, and I realize that he has finally fallen asleep.

Harry goes up to one elbow, looking at me over the tousled tan and silver hair between us. "Sev?"

"Yes, love?" I say quietly.

His eyes are shining with tears. "I want to make him happy again," he says, his voice breaking for the first time in years.

I sigh. "I would like him happy again too. What do you suggest? This is far more your area of expertise than mine."

"I don't know. Just…we…should give him any comfort we can. Anything that he'll take, anything to let him know that he can belong here with us, if he wants. Because..he can, can't he?" Harry's hand finds mine on Remus' side.

"I agree. Odd as I find it, he has become like family to me as well, Harry." I lean forwards, pressing a kiss to Remus' forehead, and realize that I truly do wish to make feel welcome here. He is, strange to think, my friend. Strange as it may sound, not that he's gotten past my mask, I have no real urge to push him back out.

At some point in my musings, I must have fallen asleep because I wake when Remus stirs in my arms. I tighten my hold on him, looking over. He stops moving.

"Sorry, Severus," he whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Where are you going?" I keep my voice calm, and to a stranger, it must have sounded rather cold. Remus, however, knows me well enough to read the worry hidden there.

He sighs softly. "I'm…intruding."

I echo his sigh and roll to my back, pulling him with me. He feels different in my arms than Harry does, more mature, and less innocent.

"You're being silly, Remus," I whisper into his hair. "You're always welcome here."

He relaxes against me, and I feel a hot tear drip onto my collarbone. It occurs to me that I'm still in my dressing robe. He murmurs softly, and I have to strain to hear the words. "I want him back, Severus."

I stroke his back. "I know, Remus."

"Why him?" he mumbles, pressing his face into my chest.

"Why anyone?" I counter.

"I…I know." He trembles in my arms, and tips his face up a little. "But how can I go on? I never…I never told him I still loved him."

I held him gently, wishing Harry was awake. "Remus, I think he knew. He loved you. He knew you. I do not believe he was that much of an idiot." Probably, at least, a little voice in my head adds. I repress a little sneer, not wanting to bash Black in front of the man who loved him so.

He sighs softly, his breath ghosting over my skin, and I repress a shudder, sternly telling my body to calm down. I run the fingers of one hand through his hair, trying my best to comfort him.

"Does it ever stop hurting?"

Though he doesn't specify, I know what he means. "No," I say quietly. "I won't lie to you, and tell you that it does. It can fade, and given time, it will."

He sighs again, forcing me to hold still. He feels good in my arms, though he would not likely thank me for my reaction. I content my urge to touch him by stroking down his spine gently, wanting to sooth him. Harry left him in his boxers, so he is not indecent. I stop my hand at the small of his back and rub gently. "I do know what it's like to lose someone," I add quietly. "You should have come to us sooner."

He gives a third sigh and arches to my hand, surprising me. "Severus," he breathes quietly.

"You are wanted here. Do not forget that. Harry wants you here as well."

A ghost of a touch startles me, as his lips brush over my throat. "Thank you."

I cannot hold back a shiver at that, and remind myself that he is distraught, and therefore I should not take advantage of him, though the Slytherin in me pouts and points out that before Harry, I would have.

More weight suddenly settles on me, and Remus makes a small happy sound. Evidently Harry is awake. I look past Remus to see Harry nuzzling at the werewolf's neck. I reach up, tugging his hair lightly to get his attention.

Green eyes meet mine in the dim light of the single night candle. I shake my head, raising one eyebrow. Remus sighs again against my neck.

"Severus?"

"Mm?" I let go of Harry's hair and turn my attention back to the werewolf.

Remus kisses along my throat and I close me eyes. "Remus, I refuse to believe that you know what you're doing." My voice is sharp.

"Don't believe it then," he says quietly, and trails light kisses along the path of my pulse. "I want to forget, just for one night. Please, Severus? I…I am sick of being alone."

"Forgetting isn't good," I say, shivering.

He goes up on his elbows, looking down at me. "Please, Severus. I promise…tomorrow I will sit down and talk this over with you and Harry. For tonight…please just help me ignore the hole inside of me?" He leans down and effectively silences my protests by kissing me.

I can't help but feel this is wrong, but the sensation of the werewolf's lips on mine is so different, and so good. As his lips trail down my neck again, I try one last time. "Remus…"

He bites lightly at my collarbone and I shudder. Of all the least likely situations I've ever been in, this one is by far the most unusual. Remus makes a little noise of pleasure against my skin, and I open my eyes again. Harry has joined in, and is kissing his way across Remus' shoulders. I trail my fingers lightly over Remus' back, noting in a detached sort of way that I can feel nearly every rib.

"If we're going to do this, we're going to do it properly," I grumble, keeping my voice slightly annoyed. Gently I push him back onto the bed, then steal a kiss from Harry briefly. Remus watches us, and I can see the pain in his eyes. They say touch is comforting, and if I go by that, I suppose he does need this. I lean down and kiss him gently, the same way I just kissed Harry, realizing what I mean by the gesture. My hand finds his chest and I stroke him gently, looking for the sensitive places. Harry curled up a at Remus' side, I notice as my fingers come into contact with his. Together we will offer this strange form of comfort.

Later, when Remus has fallen into an exhausted sleep, and Harry has join him, I lay awake, watching over them. Harry has caught me like this a few times, and teases me about it to no end. Even though Voldemort is gone, I still worry about things. As much as I appear to loathe my students, I do worry. Harry thinks it's funny. Then again, he always has had an odd sense of humor.

Remus turns to snuggle against me and I wrap an arm around him. My friend, and next to him lies my lover. Tonight has been an odd night, and a long one. I sigh softly as exhaustion catches up with me, glad we were able to help Remus even a little. Settling down beside him and feeling his body settle closer to mine, I smile faintly and join them in sleep.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

What I Need 11/11

"I refuse to wear anything in that sort of hideous shade," I snap icily. Hermione Granger, back at Hogwarts from the mediwizard school she went to, just smiles sweetly and sets down the swatch of pale blue fabric.

"Perhaps something a little darker then," she says, unfazed by my glaring.

Two weeks ago, Harry had finally broken the news to his friends, and three days ago Miss Granger, Miss Weasly, Mr. Weasly and parents had descended. Well, the girls had. Ron just glowered at me a lot. Needless to say, I probably wasn't helping the situation by needling him constantly, but it is still so delieghtful to watch him squirm.

"…nice shade of pink."

"P-pink?" I yelp, suddenly realizing that being fitted for dress robes is not the proper time to be reminiscing.

Hermione grins at me, waving the piece of hideous fabric under my nose. "What? You'd look charming."

"Miss Granger, you are very close to getting thrown out," I growl at her. "I fail to see what is wrong with black."

"Honestly," she says, rolling her eyes. "Do you want to make this perfect or not? You can't wear black to your own wedding!"

Personally, I didn't think Harry would care what I was wearing. The girls had descended, along with both of their mothers, and were proceeding to plan the whole thing. Harry had just shrugged and given me a sheepish smile, asking me to just let them. I was seriously reconsidering cooperating.

"Black is classic," I state coolly, feeling ready to kill something. I hadn't ever expected to be arguing about dress robes with Hermione Granger. Potions, perhaps, but not dress robes.

"Classic or not, you're not wearing it. Don't you have any other favorite colors?" She rifles through the book of swatches from Madam Malkin's.

"Green," I say without thinking.

She grins at me. "Now, that should have been obvious. And since Harry's wearing pale green, we could put you in something darker." She pulled out the first decent bit of fabric I'd seen yet.

"I was beginning to think that you had no taste," I comment dryly, taking the bit of dark green velvet from her.

She snorts at me, and snatches it back. "I just like watching you get all worked up. Get you back a bit, you know."

I raise an eyebrow. "I hadn't thought revenge was a Gryffindor trait."

"What, you think you Slytherins got all the nasty traits?" She smirks. "Think again. Oh, while we're going through colors, what do you think of green, gold and white for the decorations? Tablecloths and such?"

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. Tablecloths. Could my life get worse?

You'd think I'd have learned not to tempt fate. Life could get worse. I sit back in my chair and wait for a very red, very upset Ron Weasley to calm down. It seems that he had finally realized it wasn't a big joke. Harry was marrying his "slimy potions teacher." Which had led to this…confrontation.

"…Death eater!" Ron finally rand out of insults and things to accuse me of.

"Mr. Weasley," I say in my best "stupid student" voice. "If I were any of the things you just called me, I highly doubt that Harry would have had anything to do with me. I also would not likely have had my job, thus saving you much stress," I add in a condescending tone, watching him bristle. Still as hot headed and immature as always.

"He was your student!"

"Yes. Thank you for pointing out the obvious once again, Mr. Weasley. Tea?" I pour myself a cup. For Harry's sake, I won't poison his best man. Somehow I will try to get along with Ron Weasley.

He sits down in a huff and accepts a cup, still obviously annoyed. "He's young enough to be your son."

"True," I say blandly. "However, as I have no children, I fail to see the problem there."

Ron mutters something under his breath and I sigh. Hoping the last member of the terrible would have grown up was, I suppose, utterly in vain.

"You'll hurt him," he says, voice quiet and lost, eyes locked on his tea.

Ah. I must admit being startled by that. "I will not," I say calmly.

"Yes you will. You're both too stubborn. And eventually you'll die and leave him behind." Ron sounds upset, and he has a death grip on his teacup.

"I do not intend to die any time soon, Mr. Weasley"

"Whether or not you intend to, it's true. You're, what, 20 years older than he is?"

"21," I say quietly. "And Harry and I had this discussion long ago."

"So he doesn't care?"

Poor Ron. He and Harry had been together for a short time. What agony it must be, knowing that the man your best friend left you for was, and is, someone you hate. "He cares. But not about the age difference."

Ron sighs and sets his cup aside. "I still don't like you, but you really love him, don't you."

"Yes," I say simply, realizing that (though it irks me) I do need Ron's blessing for this. As much as I would have needed Sirius', were he still alive.

With another sigh, he nods. "Then…I won't interfere. He's happy, even I can see that. But if you don't treat him right," now he glare, and I am suddenly reminded that he is one of the best Aurors the Ministry has ever had. "I will hurt you for it." With that warning, he rises and stalks out of my office.

So the biggest hurdle is over. Now, if I can just keep from killing anyone before the ceremony…

"Severus? Lilacs or roses?" Ginny Weasley pokes her head in, her arms filled with both types of flowers and I groan, closing my eyes. The wedding couldn't get here soon enough.

"Severus, hold still," Remus snaps at me, exasperated. The ceremony starts in a few minutes, and I'm a nervous wreck. As I manage to stop fidgeting, Remus gets the last little bit of the ridiculously complicated set of dress robes the girls talked me in to fastened together. Remus is in a soft amber set of robes, bringing out his eyes. As I turn to him he smiles at me.

"You'll be fine, Sev. Just remember your vows, and it'll be over before you know it."

I smile faintly, noting in a detatched way, that Remus seems a bit healthier. A bell chimes, and Hermione pokes her head in. "We're ready, Severus."

Nervously, I make my way out, taking my place near Albus, waiting for Harry to appear. My robes hang heavy off my shoulders, the thick velvet warm. I must look odd, because some of the guests – former students of mine – are staring at me as if they've never seen me. Then again, I've never worn anything quite this…extravagant. I feel my face heating up, and hope that this starts soon. Or that Harry would have just given in to my pleas to elope.

All my discomforts are forgotten as he appears, beautiful in his dress robes of pale green silk. As I watch him, he slowly walks up to me, eyes shining, a smile on his face. He stops beside me, as we stand before Dumbledore. I honestly can't remember anything that happened. I lost myself in his eyes, and the next thing I knew, Harry's arms are around me, and he's kissing me to the sounds of cheering. Sometime in there, we must have recited our vows, but I don't remember. As I pull him close to me, wrapping my arms tightly around his slender body, I realize that it's real now. It's real. I have him…I have what I need.

The End


End file.
